


Brick Walls

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Emotions, F/F, Gender neutral Canada, Implied Sexual Content, Meaningless Sex, england is emotionally inept, france doesn't like being played with
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-03-17 10:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13657572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: She was halfway out the door when a warm hand wrapped around her wrist, stalling her. Alice glanced up at Marianne only to have soft, gentle, needy lips against her own. She would not kiss her back. This was breaking the rules. Alice slept with her, Marianne made food, and Marianne let Alice leave without a word. There was no goodbye kisses.





	1. Part One

Alice woke up slowly. It was warm and comfortable and the sunlight made her want to keep her eyes closed. There was a golden red glow on her eyelids and she was not eager to change anything. She snuggled deeper into her sheets, enjoying the subtle floral scent of the detergent.  Her hand sought out further warmth, momentary panic flooding through her when she found empty space. 

She opened her eyes slowly, calming herself down. Marianne’s soft pastel pink and blue walls greeted her. The woman was nowhere to be seen but Alice could smell the sweet aroma of freshly baked croissants wafting into the bedroom from the open door. Alice sat up with a groan, rubbing her face roughly to wake herself up. A brush was yanked through her long, knotted blonde hair before she trudged out to the kitchen. 

Marianne smiled up at her from her book, a small glass of orange juice in hand. “Good morning.”

Alice said nothing in response, too hungry and half-asleep to remember how to form words. Flaky, buttery bread melted in her mouth as she ate. If Marianne was terrible in bed, her culinary skills would be reason enough to stay. Alice certainly couldn’t make anything half as good as this. 

Food and sex. That’s why she kept coming back. Or, at least, that’s what she told herself… because the alternative would be painful and so irrevocably stupid of her. 

“Did you sleep well?” Marianne said lightly, a filthy smirk on her face when Alice glanced up from her croissant.

“No thanks to you.” Alice retorted, finishing off her meal. “You snore like a bloody engine.”

“I do not.” Marianne snapped back, red in the face with offense, eyebrows furrowed and eyes bright.

The conversation was turning too flippant, too familiar and a pang settled in Alice’s stomach. “Whatever,” she shrugged. “I’ve got to get to work.”

She turned away, towards the bathroom where she would get ready so she wouldn’t have to watch Marianne’s whole body go slack with disappointment. Alice wasn’t ignorant or oblivious. She knew Marianne wanted a whole lot more than Alice was ready to give her. 

Marianne was commitment and the L-word and heartbreak. No thank you.

Even after two months apart, Alice had not forgotten where Marianne stood and the Frenchwoman had not budged either.

Perhaps it was cruel of her, to keep doing this to Marianne. Scratch that. It  _ was  _ cruel and she knew it. Marianne had feelings… feelings Alice could not return did not want to return  _ would not  _ return. Yet, Alice continuously came back, slept with her, gave her hope and then fled. She tried to not be so cruel. She was straightforward with Marianne, did her best to insist this would never be more than sex, not ever. And Marianne, for her part never tried to coerce Alice into staying and never made any move to resist falling into bed with her. Marianne did not protect her heart. 

And maybe Alice was doing to Marianne what she was scared of happening to herself but-

“Shove over, I have to brush my teeth too.” Marianne mumbled, pushing the smaller blonde gently to the side. 

Alice was using a spare toothbrush. She did not keep any of her things here. She made a point to toss out anything she used like deodorant or toothbrushes when she left. No commitments. 

It wasn’t like Marianne was the only one Alice fooled around with. Especially when she left without a word for long stints to get her head clear. Marianne  _ knew  _ that. Alice wouldn’t even let Marianne hold her or vice versa after sex. She was trying to spare Marianne from Alice the Wrecking Ball as much as possible. And protect herself too. 

And still, while Alice was writhing under Marianne and her talented fingers/mouth (or vice versa), Marianne would look at Alice with those deep blue eyes that  _ wanted  _ and it was so painful it made her want to just fall into a deep chasm void of feelings.

She spat the foamy paste into the stream of water in the sink, tossed the brush in the bin and moved back to the bedroom to gather her clothes. She dressed quickly, needing to get out as soon as she could manage. She was being suffocated in nostalgia. 

She was halfway out the door when a warm hand wrapped around her wrist, stalling her. Alice glanced up at Marianne only to have soft, gentle, needy lips against her own. She would not kiss her back. This was breaking the rules. Alice slept with her, Marianne made food, and Marianne let Alice leave without a word. There was no goodbye kisses. 

Marianne could kiss her, fine, but Alice was giving nothing back. A soft sigh fanned across Alice’s mouth and then the door was closed in her face. 

She made it to work with a dull pounding behind her eyes. She was a little more hungover than she had originally believed. Or maybe it wasn’t alcohol, maybe it was just a general exhaustion with life. Who cared? Her head hurt and it sucked.

And of course, Alfred was there with his booming voice and bubbly personality to grate at her nerves like bloody parmesan. He liked to give her life advice like he had a say, especially regarding her less-than-romantic flings. 

“What up, buttercup?” Alfred grinned, handing her a cup of coffee.

She sipped at it, one part grateful and two parts disgusted. Ignoring Alfred was really the only means of dealing with his boisterous personality. To rebuke engaged and small talk entertained him. He was an all-around, 3-D annoyance. 

“Slept  _ in  _ again, huh?” He grinned with a bit of a chuckle. “You reek of Parisian perfume. Did you even shower?”

Alice glared, but was unsurprised by his bluntness. That was just…  _ Alfred.  _ She sat at her desk and got to work, letting Alfred chatter about some new “hottie” that had caught his attention this time. Some nonsense about a tattoo artist floated around the room, but she was focused on the paperwork in front of her. It was dull and mindless but she liked it. It was meticulous enough to require her full attention, keeping her mind set on one topic. Other jobs gave her time to remember hot hands and blue eyes and wet kisses that led to another restless night.

“You know you’ve got a type too, right?” Alfred’s words caught her attention for once and she snapped her head up to stare at him.

The “excuse me” fell from her lips unwanted but there and too late to take back. 

“Well,” Alfred had a smug little grin at having gotten a reaction from her, “Used to be that anyone would do. As long as she had a pair of breasts and could hold her liquor-”

“Who do you think you are?” Alice demanded. “Who do you think I am?”

“What?”

“Do I look like Gilbert to you?” Alice snapped. 

“Oh, right. Sorry. What I mean is, if you wanted to hit the sack with someone, you found one that worked and didn’t think twice. I’m not calling you a slut or anything. You just… Well… I don’t know but now everyone you're with is brunette and curly haired, cocky-”

“Watch yourself.” Alice bit back, tone acidic. “If you say another word, I swear I will castrate you.”

“Fine, fine. Keep lying to yourself. It’s not like we’re friends and I care or anything.” Alfred shrugged, hands up in a gesture that he was backing down.

They fell quiet while Alfred finally got to work on his own paperwork. Maybe an hour or so passed before Alfred piped up again. His slight stammer at the beginning made her wonder how long he had bitten it back. At least he was trying.

“J-just talk to her. S’not like there’s a language barrier.” 

Alice didn’t dignify that with a response. He was getting to her, though. She tried to keep his words out of her head but he dug in like a little mole. 

Normally after work she got herself good and relaxed before deciding whether to sleep or hit up Marianne (or anyone) for another round. Today, though, she found herself wandering down streets in the general direction of Marianne’s apartment. She ended up after maybe half an hour in the hallway staring at the door. 

The spare key Marianne kept on the door frame was gone. It wasn’t under the doormat or in the glass light on the wall. There was just a worn piece of paper with precise, even cursive that looked as though Marianne had fiddled with the edges in an internal debate taped to the ugly red door.

_ Don’t come back anymore. I can’t take it. Goodbye, Alice.  _

_ I love you so just don’t come back. _

Her blood was trying to go cold. Her body was trying to go numb. Her heart was stacking brick after brick along her walls to hold it back. But her eyes didn’t care. They were hot with tears and hurt feelings. Despite everything she had tried to do, she hadn’t protected herself enough. And here she was, crying on Marianne’s doormat, a pathetic mess.

Her hands fumbled with her phone. 

Stupid Marianne. Stupid. How could she not see? And how could Alice let this happen?

**Let me in.** Send.

She could hear the text tone of Marianne’s phone, “Elle me dit,” a song that had on numerous occasions wormed itself into Alice’s brain and played for days even though she could not comprehend a syllable of it. She wondered if Marianne was just sitting there, waiting for Alice to see her note and leave like she always did. She wondered if Marianne could hear Alice crying, could hear her heart shattering.

There was no text back. There was nothing. Alice didn’t blubber. She didn’t beat the door down or scream to be let in. She just… collapsed on the mat, knees tucked tight to her chest, chin resting between them. She sat upright in this position and just… waited. 

She wasn’t even waiting for Marianne, she was just waiting for the world to return to normal, for everything to make sense again. 

The door opened and Alice all but fell through the entrance at the suddenness of it. 

“ _ Non.  _ You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to tell me for months, years that I have no chance and when I finally come to my senses to stage a sit-in at my apartment. Get up and leave, Alice.”

Her accent was thick and it hurt and Alice’s heart squeezed painfully, aching, begging. Every part of her was demanding a different course of action. Her hands and lips wanted to tug Marianne into a searing kiss. Her heart wanted to throw her at the Frenchwoman and never let go. Her feet wanted to run far away and her hormones wanted to fuck Marianne into the closest mattress. But the confusion was too much so she just sat there, half laying on her back and just stared up at the woman blankly.

“Damn it. Damn you. Go  _ away _ , Alice. You don’t get to do this to me anymore.  _ Stop it.  _ Just leave me alone. Stop playing with me.” 

Her mouth wanted words, brain trying endlessly to supply them but her tongue was frozen, leaving her in a half-gape that likely made her look ridiculous.

“What the  _ hell  _ is wrong with you?” Marianne demanded.

When Alice still said nothing, finally just letting Marianne  _ talk _ , she did.

“You didn’t kiss me back this morning. I’ve always wanted more and I knew it. I… I  _ knew  _ it, okay? But for awhile it’s just… been so much because I  _ need you _ so badly that it kills me when you leave and I’ve just… I’ve had enough. You don’t get to leave me anymore, Alice. So I kissed you goodbye and you… couldn’t even fucking give me that.” Marianne was crying. Alice had never seen her cry. It was the worst sight in the whole world. 

“I don’t deserve you.” Alice whispered, bringing herself to move and speak and  _ function  _ because if she didn’t, Marianne would keep falling apart and Alice would fall  _ harder.  _

“No, you don’t. Not when you act like this. I know you’re better. And if you would  _ let  _ yourself, you would. Because I’m just a human, Alice.” Marianne knelt down, taking her hands. 

“That’s what I’m scared of. Humans can hurt you.” Alice murmured.

“ _ Tu es très stupide, Alice.”  _ Marianne snorted. “Do you feel good right now?” 

“No.” 

“You can’t stop from getting hurt. It’s letting  _ good  _ happen,  _ falling in love _ , that makes it worthwhile.” Marianne sighed, running her fingers through Alice’s hair lackadaisically. It was nice, soothing even. “I wish you’d talk to me more. Let me  _ in.”  _

“But what it if you leave?”

“Alice… if you don’t let me in, I will leave. You can’t keep pushing people away every time you’re scared of getting hurt. Please, just let me care about you.”

Alice launched herself at Marianne, kissing her hungrily, but she was pushed gently off. Marianne pulled the two of them to their feet and into her living room, the door shut behind them. “And you can’t keep shutting me up with sex when you don’t want to listen. If all you want is sex, fine. Get it from someone else. Because I want you, emotions and mistakes and hurt feelings and all. If you won’t even think about that, just… please leave.”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t have sex right now.” Alice frowned, crossing her arms.She remembered vividly the last time she felt like this. And she didn’t want to. Not ever again.

“Yes it does. I want to know that I mean more to you than that, so I’m  _ done  _ sleeping with you.” Marianne sighed, searching Alice’s eyes. 

“I-I…” Alice stammered. “I can’t. Not right now. I’m just not ready. I’m sorry.”

Marianne nodded slowly and Alice could see how much it stung her. “I understand. You’re free to go.”

“No, listen. I… You and I… can we just start over? At the beginning? Can we try being… friends? Because there’s a lot you don’t know and that I don’t know and… I still need time.”

Marianne’s face did such a 180, that her smile practically blinded Alice. “I would love that.”


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm really trying to leave this fandom, so this will probably be the last update to this story. I apologize, but hey. Maybe?  
> Thank you for reading! Comments are still very much appreciated :) (And might convince me to post another chapter. Js.)

“We are just talking, will you let it go?” Alice demanded, growing more annoyed by the second.

“I will let it go if you can tell me the name of the person I want to ask out.” Alfred shrugged, sliding Alice her coffee.

“How am I supposed to know that? You have a crush on someone new every other week.” Alice huffed, flabbergasted.

“ _ Used to.  _ And by the way, it’s not my fault everyone is so pretty and kind. Except you of course, dear.” He grinned snarkily. “But I’ve had a crush on this guy for two months now. So what’s his name, Alice?”

“I know he’s Japanese and does tattoos or something but I don’t know his name. I’m so sorry, Alfred.”

“Apology accepted. Damn, Marianne must really be working on you if you’re  _ apologizing  _ now.” Alfred looked like he just got away with eating a damn canary. 

“Oh, shut up. So what’s his name?”

“Kiku. Honda Kiku. He’s so pretty, Alice.” 

She rolled her eyes, but she was really happy for him. She hoped this once Alfred stuck with his crush and actually got a boyfriend. He deserved it. Annoying though he was, he was also one of the nicest people she knew.

“So how much longer will we be waiting?” Alfred asked. “‘Cause I have to take tea places in an hour.”

Alice gave him a quizzical look but before she could say anything, Marianne and Gilbert arrived in the albino’s car. Marianne was laughing at something Gilbert had said and Alice’s heart squeezed to see that smile. 

Her laugh was like a beautiful song lyric that Alice wanted to hear over and over again. She swear it went all slow motion like on TV where all she could see was the lovely white smile and golden laugh. Then Marianne saw her and somehow, somehow her smile got brighter, blinding and perfect. Alice was  _ fighting  _ her own face from mirroring that expression. She did not radiate. She scowled and didn’t let things get to her. Especially not pretty girls she very much wanted to be more than friends with. She was coy and a smartass. 

“Oh, stop grimacing. You look so much prettier when you smile. You don’t want frown lines,  _ oui?”  _ Marianne smirked, poking Alice’s arm.

“Actually, I do,” Alice said with a grin.

Marianne shrugged and sat down. Gilbert rolled his eyes at the pair of them. “Why don’t you two just start dating already?”

Marianne glared at him. “Why don’t you shut up? We will do whatever we please, Gil.”

“Who’s grimacing now?” Alice snorted, poking Marianne’s arm this time.

Marianne laughed, pleased to see Alice being so relaxed. And the small upturn of Alice’s lips after listening to Marianne laugh was worth it. “Still you,  _ mon amie.” _

Alfred and Gilbert were engaged in a heated discussion about someone named “Mattie” that Alice felt like she should remember but didn’t. Marianne quickly got sucked into the conversation so Alice just listened.

“Gilbert, no.” Alfred shook his head and from how defensive his words were Alice would have thought they were fighting if the boy wasn’t grinning so much.

“Come on, just give me their number.” Gilbert whined.

“Wait, why won’t you?” Marianne asked, looking between the two.

“They’re my twin and it’d be weird.” Alfred was still grinning and Alice was almost certain he was just teasing his friend.

“It would  _ not,  _ I wouldn’t talk about it or anything.” Gilbert’s voice was growing increasingly more pleading and annoying. 

Alfred rolled his eyes and Marianne seemed to be picking up on it as well because she too was wearing a matching smirk. 

Alice was growing bored of this conversation and she suspected Alfred wouldn’t cave with others around. She grabbed Marianne’s attention and suggested they go for a short walk. Marianne nodded and the two lay down their contribution to the bill before leaving. 

“Did you want to talk about something?” Marianne asked after a few minutes of walking in comfortable silence. 

Alice shrugged. Something was on her mind, settling in her stomach like a heavy rock, a pit, but she was reluctant to bring it up. 

“Listen, you don’t have to… but we’ve been doing this friend thing for weeks now and I’m willing to wait as long as I’ve got to, but please understand you can talk to me about anything.” Marianne said this casually, like she was addressing the nice weather or a pretty dress in a shop window, but strikingly sincere. 

“I was engaged.” Alice said so suddenly, she almost scared herself. Marianne blinked slowly, soaking it in like the sun on her skin. 

“Okay.”

“I was engaged. We were newly nineteen and twenty and… she was brash and headstrong. She could convince you of anything, shut down your basic instincts that tell you to not be so bloody stupid.” Alice trailed off for a few moments, unable to figure out how to explain what happened. Words were failing her. Marianne stayed quiet, just letting her gather herself as they kept walking. “We hadn’t picked a date before she… found someone else,” she found herself shrugging, pretending it hadn’t stung, pretending she could move her shoulders in a manner that would make it matter less. 

She could see Marianne swallowing her words. Marianne knew better than to pull the “Oh poor Alice” crap. Alice didn’t want sympathy, she wanted understanding. They were quiet for quite awhile, Alice just letting Marianne process it. 

Suddenly, more words were spilling out of her mouth as if she had turned on a faucet and broken the knob to turn it off. “I should have seen it coming. It was about as sudden as her bloody proposal. She could never stay on one thing for long. While in school, she’d take up violin one week and trade it in for horses or something the next. She was the kind of person you knew better than to trust but did anyway because she’d smile at you like you were the only person that mattered and you would believe her.” 

Marianne sighed and grabbed Alice’s wrist, pulling them under a store awning, out of the way of other walkers. “Alice Kirkland, I’m not her, okay? I won’t make promises I can’t keep and my head is not easily turned. If I love someone, it’s completely. The only thing that would change that fact is someone not accepting how I feel. And I will go slowly; I’m patient. I’m not spur of the moment, I like planning. When you’re ready, I really hope you will give me a chance.”

Alice’s face was red and even though their conversation was hushed, she felt like everyone passerby had overheard. Embarrassment was flooding her, but even stronger than that was a desperate desire to just let herself trust someone again. It was lonely walling herself in.

**Author's Note:**

> this will be about three parts. And the small mentions of Alfred is my little introduction for something new later once I get some other things finished.
> 
> Feel free to leave kudos and comment!


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